So I have found someone, who now is officially my boyfriend. Yes, I'm very happy with him, but his company does not help my insecurities at all, I hate when he touches me, I just think 'oh god, he probably thinks I am the most fattest thing in the world right now!'. He says the most beautiful things to me, and makes me wonder if he's lieing, if what his saying is true. He says all the things I want him too, but than I think to myself, 'how could anyone love a fat girl like me'. I know it sounds cliche, but when I look at myself in the mirror I just think, why does he like this?
I know I'm going to lose him sooner or later, I just wish I wasn't falling for him:(.
Is it really possible to be happy?
Not much has changed, I'm still deep in thought and heart with him.
My bestfriend kissed him, three times, he feels for her, I know he does, and she could easily have the things I want, but she chooses not too.
My hunger pangs come hand in hand with hear ache, I'm so tired of being betrayed, though really how can I feel anger, when no one really truly knows how I feel.
I projected such lack of care, and hate towards him, how was she to know I was still inlove.
It makes me sick to think of them together, I feel like such a fool.
I miss his ways. I want to be the one he runs too.
Being the image potrayed in my head, is not only for me, but for him and so much more. They say if you want something so bad, nothing should stop you from getting it. I know he is undeserving for what I have to offer him, but you can't help who you love, and to be with him means so much more than anything right now.
Nothing should get in the way. I have finally finished school, so nothing should throw me off concentration.
I do love him, and only time can prove, that my feelings are true, I have no one to prove this too but god, maybe he'll help open his eyes to whats infront of him.
Today was the same.
I hate being so sad, I feel like I have no sense of direction, everything I feel is full of regret and shame, I know I didn't treat my body with much respect two years ago, but Im so sick of constantly being judged. I can' t control anything, I feel as though everything is out of reach, I'm trying so hard to feel in control with my body, but even than I feel like I'm fighting a losing war. I want to never be hurt again, to never feel vulnerable, to never rely on someone to make me happy. But the memories just won't go away, he is always their, they are always their, and they talk ...talk ...talk ...talk, they think they know me, they think they I dont' hear what they say.
*how can he say thoes things about me*
*he does he act as though we had nothing*
*I can't handle school*
*I can't handle my reflection*
*why did she change*
I feel constantly betrayed, I don't want to be with him, I don't want to be with them, I just hope one day they feel the crap the they have so easily placed upon me.
I hope they stare one day, as see me strong, skinny and beautiful
People don't judge beautiful people, and if they do its only out of spite because they can never look as radiant as she.
I need help.
Gods not there.
He never when you call.
I just need help.
*things on my mind*
my bestfriend is the best, if only she truly knew how said I was
my parents so blinded, how they dont notice im slowly slipping away
my sister, so happy, if only she could hear me scream
school iv almost finished, such a long war, I will finally win
my body, so repulsed, under the layers of skin I can see that skinny girl
oh how he hurt me
oh how I still think of him
the asshole, why he still roams my thoughts I dont knw why?
I will make him feel sorry I promise
life what is it meant to be
I know my thoughts are wrong, I know the way I look at food is not normal is not right, I cover the mirrors around my room, coz I dont want to see the reflection, all these thoughts, all these tears, all these motives....They say its not normal, its not safe it is unnatural, but I don't want to be fixed, I feel like at night where no one see, when I cry, I truly feel like I'm being who I am. I play a constant show for everyone, and I get truly tired, my tears are who I am, my tears are my soul leaking out of my eyes and caressing my skin. No one can changes my tears, no one can see them, no one can handle them.
This soul is secret!
Everything is a blur, through my eyes nothing makes any sense anymore!
Motivation has turned into hatred for myself, so many people around me everyday, so many qestions asked, I'm hardly alone, but yet why do I feel as though I'm constantly by myself.
Food is the enemy, friends is the enemy, families the enemy everything seems like theirs hidden agendas. Crying at night, when no one can see me. Do tears exist if no body witnesses them!
The hole is getting bigger and I alone am just getting deeper.I can see me getting lost, and really I just don't want to be found anymore.
No one knows me, no one sees me, no one hears me.
I feel safest when I'm in the dark, when no one can see my existence, in darkness, I become darkness, I am nothing, I become nothing, its almsot freedom.
looking in the mirror
"this is why they hate you"
stare into my face
"you are so ugly"
looking at my legs
"your parents stare with such disgrace"
looking at my arms
"you are so ugly"
looking at my stomach
"no one will ever love you"
looking at my back
"everyone will leave you"
looking in the mirror
"you are a failure!"
whats there to say anymore, I'm kinda of at that point where I honestly don't care what happens next. I havent eaten much in the past two days, and the feeling towards the starvation is actually becoming really numb. I hate that I feel so empty emotionally but I'm addicted to it physically. I wonder how long it'll take for people to notice the little food games i've been playing with them.
rub your eyes coz your tired
sit down coz you can't stand
notice what they eat
observe what they place in there mouths
love that the poison isn't in you
soon you'll fade
before you cared
I wonder when people talk to me, they feel that everything I say is fake.
I wonder when people really look in my eyes when I talk, the see the sadness, they see me broken.
I wonder when I talk, people can hear that I'm fighting with every ounce of my body to stop myself from crying.
I wonder whem I look to the ground, people notice that tears have fought there way out of my eyes.
I wonder when I move my hands, people can see the faded scars on my wrists under my sleeve.
I wonder when I sit by myself people can see how much I wish I didn't exist
I feel as though the walls are caving in, the sadness is getting stronger, and there's nothing I can do. I should be happy, in pictures I look so happy, when I'm at school they think I'm happy, I try to talk but nothing can be expressed, no words can describe what I feel.
Is it sellfish to be happy, am I horrible because I want my life so badly just to be normal. I lost so much, and so many lies, so many regrets.
No one knows the feelings are so strong
and no can know, I don't want to scare people, nobody wants to become friends with someone who has depression. Nobody wants to help someone who thinks she can never be saved. At night it comes out, the tears at night the thoughts haunt. When the sun rises all disappears and my mask comes on, as I pretend everything is okay and I am happy, more lies are told, more lies that i wish were so true. Like I am happy, I'm okay, I just want to sleep forever, I just want to be happy!
His memories still haunt every thought in my mind, I see him occasionally and my heart still beats faster when i do. He took me by suprise, I didnt think I could learn to love him as much he did, but little would I know that it would be the other around, him with my hear and me in tears. I hate to admit, yes I still do love him, and yes it still brings me to tears. Though I have had bad eating habits for as long as i can remember, his absence in my life pushes me more, for the thought always penetrates in my mind, maybe if he saw me, smaller, prettier, more petites he'll see what I always wanted to be for him. I know they say that you cant live in the past, but what happens when the past is the only last speck of a happy moment you have right now. I miss him so much, sometimes when im on the train on my way to work I feel as though i can feel his finger entwining and circling my collar bone like he use to when he'd drop me to work, than when i realise that it was just me dreaming, the tears become physical.
If i cant get him back, I can atleast get something close, and I'm just no going to feel any good with this body. Tomorrow Im eating two vita wheat crackers, and one low carb rice cake and water.
When im tired im to exhausted to think about anything and thats when I sleep, and thats the only time his not in my head, i wish i could sleep forever!